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Captain Smith Johnson Miller
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| A bit of whining |
[07 Dec 2009|12:38pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
Been feeling rather frumpy lately. I got a little twitchy after seeing Precious, but to be funked out for this long is a bit absurd. I need to get through this month without health care, which means no therapy. Figures that when I had health care I felt jim-dandy, and now, without, nights are just as rough as they've ever been. I'm working really hard not to miss work. I like this job, and they seem to really like me.
Thanksgiving was rather eventful; I ran back and forth between the farm and Charles' apartment more times than I can count. All worked out in the end, and there was Tofurkey.
On Black Friday, I went to Old Navy at 3am (3am!) for five-dollar fleeces, some adult-like tops, and a pretty, pretty green coat.
On Saturday (the day of the snow), I slipped on the top step of my porch steps, and slid, on my ass, down a flight of stairs, landing in the snow. My bum is terribly bruised, and I no longer trust my stairs, but at least I didn't bust my tailbone. Let's hear it for no hospital visit!
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| Gifts! |
[23 Nov 2009|03:19pm] |
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mood |
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 working |
] |
A few people have asked me what I want for Christmas. Really, I'd be quite happy if I just got a card filled with love. Or maybe a chicken bag.
Which brings me to think of what I'm getting all of you. See, I'm terrible at buying gifts under pressure. I can't walk into a store with the intention of buying something for you. There has to be a certain amount of inspiration. Which is why I cheat. There's this charity, Oxfam, which helps folks in Africa. They have a program where you can donate to their cause in very specific ways (say, by donating a donkey), and get a card representing your physical donation. My evil plan is to get you kids cards from Oxfam. What I want to know is what you kids think. Thus, a poll.
Poll #1489427 Presents!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 3 How would you feel about recieving an Oxfam card?
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| My heart, against all odds, holds still |
[15 Nov 2009|08:37pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
] |
I had an absolutely lovely day with Charles today. We had waffles and ice cream and watched ducks. Sometimes he worries me, but I'm so in love with that boy.
I'm dreadfully behind on everyone's lives, and I apologize. The more I try to catch up, the more I realize that I'm out of touch. If you were dead, you'd call me, right?
The job is going well enough. I keep fucking up, but most of them are little fuck-ups, of the sort that can be fixed. I haven't made any friends (I don't think that I'm likely to be close to my immediate boss), but I'm less painfully shy than I was when I started. So, that's something. I sort of miscalculated my monies, and, for the moment, I don't have a red cent, but all will be settled in two weeks.
My hair is coming out in wee fistfuls, and it's starting to freak me out. WebMD tells me that it's nothing, stress or trauma or meds, and that the hair will grow back, but what do they know.
This year, I'm staying in Baltimore and having Thanksgiving with Carly and Charles. Thank you so much to everyone who offered to open up their homes to this little orphan. It made me so happy that I got so many offers, and I want to thank you.
An amateur group up in Havre de Grace is putting on Rent. Who wants to go with me?
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| Jobs: old, new, and current |
[24 Oct 2009|10:27am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
I got a new job! I'll be cutting window sheeting for this place on Harford Road. I'm a bit worried about the manual labor (one has to be very accurate with the cutting), but the pay is awesome and the commute is a dream. Next week will be my last at AKJ, and I can't get out of there fast enough. Did I tell you that story? Let me tell you that story.
( Why I hate my current job )
I'm currently working on The Matchmaker for a high school in Columbia. I'm super stressed about it. Wish me luck.
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| Since I've been dead on the internet for so long |
[18 Sep 2009|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
] |
Hard to say how well my life is going. If I think about my job, I feel so cheated and betrayed that I want to walk out that moment. If I close my eyes and just do what is required, it's rather nice to have no responsibilities. Either way, I need a new job.
Hospital bill is a hundred dollars less than I thought it would be. I have a hundred dollars to get through the next week (which is a cake walk as long as I'm not terribly stupid), and my bills are getting paid, however close the calls.
Weekend will be busy, with a show tonight, work and seeing Melissa tomorrow, and a wedding on Sunday. All this means that I can't clean out the chicken coop like I wanted to, but that can wait another week. I went to a show last night with Charles, staying out till 1am, and I wasn't even tired today. The only really unfortunate thing about the night (a petty thing that I would not care about except for the wedding), was that, since I was too lazy to pull out my I.D., I now have giant Xs on both my hands.
Sorry to be so dull, my adorable friends. Still depressed, brain still fuzzy, and I need to go get my dress dry-cleaned and bitch out the dealership since I still have not gotten my tags, and the temp tags expire in six days.
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| What is love? |
[18 Aug 2009|05:01pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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This is not a philosophical question. I honestly don't know. As far as I can figure, most folks learn about love from their parents. Their parents care for them, teach them, and protect them from harm. Of course most folks have a real understanding of love. My situation was a bit different. My mother claimed to love me, then abused me. It's hard to reconcile that, or to gain any real definition of love.
I think I understand that my friends love me. And perhaps I love them back. At least I care for them very deeply, that is to say, I enjoy being with them, I'm glad at their victories and try to comfort them in their defeats. I wish them well and would do anything to protect them from harm. Is that love, then?
A woman from the Renaissance Faire who I have known for several years said that she loved me. I adore her, I think that she is wonderful, I am delighted by her, but does that mean that I love her? What justification could she possibly have for loving me?
I also understand that to love someone is quite different from being in love with someone. However, the differences are a little fuzzy. So I (hypothetically) love someone. I also want to be with this person in a non-friend way. I loved him as a friend (as far as I know of love), but how do I know that I'm in love with him? How is that so different? I feel the words on my lips every time I'm with him, but I can't say it, because I'm terrified of being wrong; I'm terrified of deceiving him because I don't know what I'm talking about.
So, I give the question up to you, my darlings. What is love? What is the difference between being in love and loving someone? Help me to see what comes so naturally to everyone else.
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| Because connecting sentences is for losers |
[17 Jul 2009|07:17pm] |
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mood |
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 frumpy |
] |
Work is insanely stressful, but I have the next five days off, so that'll help. I have to get blood drawn tomorrow, and that's super lame, because my veins are super tiny, and I don't relish the thought of a nurse sticking me four times before she finds a spot of blood (my record is three nurses, an intern, and a doctor searching for that elusive vein). The psych has insisted that I don't drink alcohol for the next year, which, as we all know, will put a serious damper on my social life. I was too tired to go out with Charles tonight, although I very much like going out with Charles. I'm trying very, very hard not to think about how much money I'll have poured into the cars by the end of the month.
Apologies, my lovelies, the day has been rather sad. I'm dating Charles, and that brings me some light.
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| Moods and money |
[12 Jul 2009|11:29am] |
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mood |
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pleased |
] |
Moods have evened out so much that I barely recognize myself compared to last weekend. I've never been this happy to be simply sad and tired.
My life's been slightly eventful, but it hasn't quite panned out enough that I can share it with the world. Enjoy the suspense, my lovelies, for all will be revealed in due course.
I'm still flat broke. The meds and the doctors are murdering my bank account, and I need to work up the balls to tell my boss that I need a raise or I have to leave. I've never had to live on my credit card for this long, and I absolutely hate it. I just recovered from the expense of my mother dying, and now all this. Ug.
My car needs $750 worth of repairs by the end of the month. I sobbed the whole way home. My landlord, who is a car genius, is going to help me out, but I worry that he won't get it together in the next two weeks. He's a wonder, but he's also very busy and tends to forget that I desperately need his help. I really, really can't afford car payments right now. I could dip into my rainy day fund (again), but that was supposed to be for when I have to get a new car, and I don't want to deplete it trying to save Mandy. But I love that goddamned car. I have some fabulous memories with her, and I don't want to lose her.
At least I've got a theatre project that I'm working on right now. That'll be a little bit of money coming in, though not enough to pay off my debts. It may have come to the point where I simply cannot afford to keep paying off my student loans.
I need to remember that the expense of my mental treatment is completely worth it. I don't want to go back to the place I was three months ago. The panic attacks have virtually stopped, and I'm doing so much better with the mood swings. This is so worth it.
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| De Dee Dee Dee De Dee Dee Dee Deeee! |
[04 Jul 2009|12:26pm] |
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mood |
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grumpy |
] |
I hate this holiday. And a Twilight Zone marathon really shouldn't be one's only motivation for living. Although I suppose it's something.
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| Musicals, apologies, and basil. |
[21 Jun 2009|11:25am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been having a rough time, and when that happens, I generally latch onto one poor soul and ignore everyone else. I still love you, but people are scary.
Saw Spring Awakening last night, and I totally forgot how much that musical rocks my socks. Wendla was frumpy, but Melchoir was angsty gold and Moritz was a twitchy little genius. And Llse was very, very pretty. Some lady in the row in front of me thought that Greta and Llse were sisters. Which is bullshit for two reasons: there's no evidence, and that's not the point of the musical. What, because they both get molested, they must be sisters? Because they sing a song together, though there's no evidence that they know that the same thing happened to the other? The point of the musical is that all of these kids are affected by the same oppression. Family ties are irrelevant.
Now, for something ridiculous:
Poll #1418959 Basil!
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: None, participants: 6 I bought two basil plants the other day. Since neither my porch nor my room gets any direct sunlight, they will most likely be dead before the week is out. What should I do with them?
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| Still haven't unloaded my car, but I am going to work. |
[23 May 2009|11:09pm] |
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mood |
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 calm |
] |
Today was my first quiet day in several weeks. I got to be completely anti-social and do laundry. I sometimes forget how much I love it here. The kids get on my nerves, and my privacy is often questionable, but I love this farm. I can't imagine how else I could stomach living so close to a city.
Been falling into enormous pits of self-pity recently. I never fully realized before how different my childhood was from everyone else's. I knew that I grew up poor and most of my friends did not, but the mere fact of being poor wasn't what made it so horrible. When I went back to Bradford (my hometown) for my mother's service, I expected to be horribly upset at every little memory of the town, and that simply wasn't true. I finally understood that I wasn't angry at that little town, I was angry at my mother for making it so awful. Though I don't want to at the moment, I wouldn't mind living there for a time. Back to the point, I am trying to keep myself from harping on the past and glaring at passersby. You see how well I'm doing.
I'm trying to keep up on everyone's LJs, but am dreadfully behind. Congratulations to all the graduates, and I hope that lady who wrote that book gave a lovely speech. Best of luck to all of you on trying to figure out what to do next. It's scary, I know.
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| Birthdays and sanity |
[22 Apr 2009|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
Near a week's gone by, and I haven't said a thing about last weekend. Shame on me. Shame, shame, shame!
Phantom of the Opera quotes aside, last weekend was lovely. Everyone came out, everyone was delightfully social, or amusingly awkward, the food was tasty, the cake didn't turn out too bad, and even the waiter was very nice. I was remarkably sane throughout the entire weekend. I was out socializing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and still I only freaked out twice and didn't twitch at all. Neither of the freak outs debilitated me for more than ten minutes, and I went right back to being social after. That level of coping is goddamned unheard of in my book.
The senior play on Friday, Skin of Our Teeth was funny and a good romp. Okay, there was a slight sanity scare on Friday night, but it didn't destroy Saturday, so I'm not counting it. All together, a lovely weekend. Even the weather complied.
A great thank you to everyone who could make it, my only wish being that I'd spent more time at the other end of the table. Them that couldn't, well, next year you won't have senior project, and I'll catch you then. That's right, you'll be finished with college. Scary, ain't it?
If you did not get the poorly-capitalized mass text, I am in the process of officially becoming a Maryland resident, and have recently changed my phone number. Sorry to have missed you, I did not mean to exclude anyone (at least, not anyone who reads this), and just leave me a message or shoot me an e-mail, and I'll update you.
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| Can one PMS for a solid month? |
[22 Mar 2009|09:55am] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
Been feeling awful frumpy lately. I would say that I'm depressed, but that would be admitting a serious mental state, and I'm not really in any mood to do that. That's right. I'm too depressed to admit being depressed. Sheesh.
Yesterday might have been good, but I couldn't quite get into a zone where I could enjoy things. I wore ten different articles of clothing, all mismatched, which usually sets me up for a cheerful day, but it wasn't effective. It should have been good. I bought really lovely tea at a craft fair, and found a book at the Book Thing that I have been looking for for years, and I had a very quiet lunch. I played Sims 2 and read The Outsiders while DG crawled all over my couch. It should have been good, so why wasn't it good?
I'm stressed. I've been disappointing folks a fair amount. I should be at the strike for Annie, Get Your Gun, and I can't be. I promised Robin a cue synopsis for Puff and did not even start it. Money's tight because I've been spending it like a drunken sailor, but as soon as I get paid for any one of my projects, I'll be out of the red.
I have to go. I have a long day ahead of me, and I'm not the least bit prepared. Just, well, fuck.
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| Where the answer is most likely therapy |
[01 Mar 2009|02:08pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
Had a rough night last night. Doctor said that my cough is probably indoor allergies, which is something I have no idea what to do with. The only way I could sleep last night was by opening a window and freezing. Lights aren't going well, got snubbed by some folks, and got way more upset by Cloud9 than anyone has a right to. Rough night. My solution is a stolen meme.
One little compliment can make you feel great. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. Once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind you how great you are.
Comments are screened for whatever reason everyone is screening theirs.
Hope all is well with you kids.
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| Various offers and smut |
[14 Feb 2009|12:50pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
] |
Three things:
First off, PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES. It's Jane Austen, but with zombies. I was so excited yesterday that I was running around showing everyone in the office. If anyone wants a copy, you can order through me. It'll still be the $7.77, but I won't charge you shipping. Comes out March 25.
Next, who wants to go to the aquarium with me tomorrow? I know it is terribly short notice and all, but I have a free extra ticket, and I want a buddy. So, if you are interested, please do let me know. Plan would be to leave around 11am, and be back no later than 6pm. Probably won't be that late, but I like to plan for a leisurely stroll. Transportation will be provided. Come claim my free ticket!
Finally, ( Happy V-Day! )
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| Do you know where it is? |
[12 Feb 2009|07:11pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Have not seen my wallet since I bought gas on Tuesday. Am kind of freaking out. I'm fairly certain that it is somewhere in my room/car, but it is slim and brown and easily missed. I really don't want to freeze all my accounts because it fell behind my couch.
ETA: Found it. Other things found in my car: bamboo spoons, a DC Comic catalog, a Goucher Quarterly, envelope from a pay check, receipt for a fly mask bought while I was in England, my Goucher stress ball that I got at freshman orientation, a miniature Crunch bar of unknown origins (I don't even like Crunch bars), a broken flashlight, an umbrella, a lead rope, a horseshoe, and two pennies.
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| Now my heart will burst if my brain won't first |
[10 Feb 2009|06:44pm] |
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mood |
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 discontent |
] |
I was driving home today, and I was in a fabulous mood. Last night was horrible, this morning wasn't much better, but I was feeling downright chipper on my drive home. I was listening to this song (some strange band that Charles like and I, naturally, have never heard of), which is about a singer who meets a pretty girl at one of his concerts. He talks to her a bit, there is attraction, but he has to go to the next town. They keep in touch, the song is very hopeful and cheerful, he thinking about what a wonderful relationship they will have. Unfortunately, the girl kills herself before he comes back to her hometown. There is a significant change in the music during this revelation, and a long pause after to let the news sink in. So, I'm singing along, having a gay old time, and almost perfectly in sync with the music change, my check engine light comes on. Gina Ling killed herself, and Mandy's limping again. It was goddamned uncanny, I tells ya.
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